vendredi 27 mars 2015

Reviews of "Blippy" and "Audioo"

I love dead people. Maybe I love even more dead startups, especially affluent ones. Blippy died 4 years ago, and nobody talked about, nobody went to the cemetery to offer some last seed money. Not even a bunch of white flowers bought at Target. I don’t understand human beings. They all are so selfish. That’s why my fiancé is a calf, honest and sweet. Also, he has a life expectancy much shorter than any boy, and I appreciate that.

Blippy (RIP) allowed to share all your purchases with the rest of the world, thanks to a technology linking your credit card to your Twitter account. This idea raised $12.9 Million from 11 investors. Unfortunately Blippy is now laying in the ground, being eaten by worms.

I wish I could have shared my last purchases with friends. Sometimes I don’t feel very confident and having a positive feedback from people makes me feel better.

Blippy doesn’t exist anymore so my blog will play its part for today. And really, feel free to give me your opinion.

So, lately, I bought this:

                                                                                                    


















and this outfit:





















+ this rocking hot dog:











From my point of view, this poor habit our generation has to share everything on social networks has to disappear, except when the goal is to make fun of other people. Audioo has understood this stake. This startup has designed a website where you can share all the voice mails you received. I’m sure you predictable poor student once thought like “Ooooh, it’s a pity I have to delete this voice mail, it’s sooo funny, omagaaaaaad”. Hey, congrats loser, It is now possible to make it live forever! 

As far as I’m concerned, my voice mails can be divided into two categories:
  1. I just hear somebody puking; I don’t even know who this is.
  2. “What a jerk, she never answers to her phone, I’m sure she’s eating chips watching The Kardashians.. Oh shit, am I on record?”
The rest of my voice mails are related to the Ukraine crisis or tackle with the impact of proportional system on democratic representation. One day I may share the vomit sounds on Audioo, but for now I think the world is not yet ready. 

mercredi 25 mars 2015

BULLSHIT PROJECTS DAY


Dear all,

I officially declare the first Bullshit projects day OPEN!

Lately, even if I first denied it, I had realized that I was becoming very influential in the blogosphere. My blog has been seen by almost 6 people this month; it is way better than in February, so I’ve decided to mark the occasion.

On the other hand, and as I’m getting older, I started to figure how important it is to make a lasting impression on the hearts of everyone. It is also crucial to leave a mark in history. That’s why I now want to give the young entrepreneurial generation the benefit of my long experience. My goal is to promote knowledge, creativity, and boldness. Sky is the only limit. Per ardua ad astra. It’s raining cats and dogs. To jump out of a frying pan into the fire. Once bitten twice shy.

This competition has been created, imagined, organized, produced, financed and promoted by me. It took a significant amount of time in my planning but I dealt with it. As you can see, I’m an incredibly strong-willed person. My friends are used to call me Barack, or God (either they are atheists or not). The purpose of this competition is to let young candidates share their bright startup idea. The winner takes-all, $18 CASH to make their project happen.  

So I’m very pleased to introduce our first/only candidates: Wendy and Berk. Both are students, enthusiastic huntsmen and zoologists. They also like cooking.

Their idea is inspired by a very strong and basic insight: “My purse is heavy, I want to put it on the ground but the ground is dirty or covered with venomous snakes”. I need a handbag hook but I don’t have any. So their solution is very simple: they invented the first intrauterine handbag hook. It works with the exact same mechanics than an intrauterine contraceptive device, in our case the contraceptive function is an additional option.  I also want to underline that the invention targets equally men and women. Thanks to a very innovative (and patented!) technology, the device can easily be carried by a man. 

The results? A white bag that stays white. No more snake bite while you’re only looking for your lipstick. 

EXCLUSIVE! Berk and Wendy share with us the first prototypes of their game-changing project:


As you can see, they really need your votes to make the dream come true.  Berk has already mortgaged his house for financing the project: help Berk not to become homeless. You can vote by commenting this article or with a tweet (#PurseHookInsideMe). Send your donations to “Berk and Wendy Project”, 27 St Guillaume Street, 75006 Paris.

I will soon announce the winner of the Bullshit projects day, if it doesn’t bore me. I think it will, so rendezvous in another life Bullshit projects day©.

lundi 23 mars 2015

Review of “Festified.com”

I’ve met one of my best friends at high school. While I was busy to bury a corpse in the school’s park, one of my classmates came to me and said:

“Delphine! A guy from class B has been excluded because he was drawing two turtles making love!”

I put my shovel down. That was an amazing idea. At this very moment, I knew that this talented guy would become my friend.  I ordered this classmate to go and find me the boy. He nodded, bowed, said “Yes, Madam” and ran as fast as he could. 10 minutes later, I met Simon. He looked at the shovel on the ground, smiled, and then accepted to be my friend.

As a matter of fact, I’m filled with emotion while I’m talking about this new startup. Festified.com is an e-shop where it is possible to buy the most tasteless ugly Christmas sweaters ever. I was discovering what they offer when I found this little masterpiece:


That’s it. You are not dreaming. It is your most daring fantasy occurring before your astonished eyes. Yes. These reindeers are having a threesome.  Isn’t it beautiful? It reminds me my youth, the slutty turtles and my high school.  

Furthermore, not only festified offers ugly clothes, but the website doesn’t work well. (Try to select “Collections” – “Naughty” ---> Nothing. Or at least on my 70 year-old computer). I think it is brilliant to seem even more rubbish than you actually are. Indeed, it is just like this blog. I could have write my articles in elegant and black letters, put instragram filters on my photos, talk about fashion and perfumes and things that smell good. But I didn’t want to Because you are not worth it, it is as simple as that. In fact I am the only one who is worth it.  So I’ll tell you my secret: I have two blogs, one with misspellings and a poor display (the one you are currently reading) and another – with the exact same content - designed by Philippe Stark. The latter is my secret garden, you will never see it little fool. 

You only deserve the ugly blue one, and the end of this article.

Shop your ugly sweater here.

dimanche 22 mars 2015

Review of "Ghost radar" app

I thought I was clever (intelligent, smart and brilliant) until I had downloaded “Ghost Radar” on my phone.  I opened the app, and I had been welcomed by an ad from “L’Express” (a French weekly broadsheet newspaper). What a relevant association.  Or maybe l’Express is looking for the ghost of their lost audience? (Wait, did I just make a political joke? Uh, I’m definitely funnier when I talk about poop.) After this first supernatural event, I entered into the world of Ghost Radar. I had been watching it for few minutes when all of a sudden the word “MORNING” appeared right above the radar. I didn’t understand, it was 5 pm. Suddenly, the word “RUSSIAN” showed up.  

OK.

Afterwards, the app turned weird and a little depressed:

In French, “MORT” means “dead”, or “duck”

Really, I didn’t see its point. I was in class; it was perfect place for experiences (because professors are not human; you’ll agree). So I looked at my teacher, to then at my device. “BURN”. OMG. I don’t want him to burn, just watch him dance while being naked. Another glance at my teacher, he was speaking. I stared at him, trying to detect any form of supernatural presence in his eyes. No clue. I looked at my device. “CHURCH”. Oh! So much clairvoyance from this gothic app. In fact it was right, my teacher was actually a small pile of bricks but I’d never noticed it before.

How can I explain this new form of perspicacity? Is this app Beelzebub? It is a possibility. I hope not, it is already the name of my cat. Its younger brother, a small and cute kitten, is named Satan. They are part of a gang, and they rule their world, trust me.  I admit I also could have read the app’s instructions, but I was too lazy to do so (and I still am). So read it by yourself boy, I’m not your slave. 

Though Ghost radar’s creators gave me a good piece of advice:

“You can temporarily use Ghost Radar as an extra source of light, like a flashlight, in a dark environment.”

As far as I’m concerned, I only use Ghost Radar as an extra source of light. Or as a frying pan to make pancakes. My pancakes like being cooked as an app insult them of “RUSSIAN” or “MATERIALS”.  

Bonus: I’ve noticed that the company running this app – Spud Pickles – also owns a mobile videogame untitled “Ghost Radar Quest”. After having met ghosts around you named “ALL” or “ATOM”, you can now pleasantly hunt them.


  
I’ve already neutralized “MITT ROMNEY”, “ACADEMICIAN” and “DIAPERS” ghosts.

mercredi 11 mars 2015

Review of “Magical butter”

I ask myself: If I manage to make a body lotion with marijuana, will both my belly and legs be high? Personally, I think they would. I’ve already read things about a startup making lubricant gel with marijuana. I’m nice enough not to write about it in my next articles. In fact my jokes would be too predictable and lewd for you young virgin. I want you to discover life by yourself, and I want you to be happy and proud and brave when your girlfriend will tell you she’s pregnant because of this wonderful night spent with you, the marijuana lub and the roebuck. Be impatient to live this future. 

Now, I'd like to introduce a new friend: Garyn Angel. He’s the founder and CEO of “Magical Butter”. He created a device that is abled to extract cannabinoids from weed botanicals so as to make butter, oil or lotion. Just imagine. You wake up in the morning; you walk in the kitchen and enjoy a delicious toast of marijuana butter. Then, you realize that the weather is nice today! You decide to get a tan in your garden, so you put cannabis oil all over your body to make the sun’s work easier. After a day spent reading Tolstoï in bright sunlight, you’ve got the munchies. First you moisture your delicate skin with cannabis-fragranced body lotion. Good! Let’s now cook a delicious dinner with the rest of cannabis butter. It’s 7 pm and you’re completely stoned without having smoked any pot. As a matter of fact, States don’t need to legalize, they just need to supply cannabis body lotion.

Garyn is the type of person I want to be when I grow up. He’s making great money by doing things barely legal. And he’s a great specialist in his field.
Look how Garyn is trying to turn him from a funny lout into a good guy:

Today’s lesson: using block letters usefully. (“You have to cook MEDICINAL brownies with my machine, OK?!”). 

In one of my courses, we had to develop a start-up project. A clever guy from my team suggested to create Hello-exhib.com© (and we are not talking about museums here.) It would be a social network for exhibitionists and voyeurs, based on a geolocation system. I was so enthusiastic about this idea. To me, it meant two things:

-          It won’t be necessary to hang around the Russian embassy in Paris to find new partners anymore.
-          I have a new startup to review on my blog. It sucks so much, I will be very inspired!

Unfortunately, the two other people in my team were not supporting us (the teacher was fond of our project though). Goodbye Hello-exhib©.

But Garyn Angel is still a master for me today. He’s my wallpaper, too; so as to always keep my life goal in mind. 

God, look at this rectangle on the background, he’s great. He seems to despise us saying “I have so much more swag than you”. He's absolutely right.

mercredi 4 mars 2015

Review of "Talkaclock"


Many years ago, Chatroulette was hot stuff. I remember whole afternoons spent speaking to strangers. I met a lovely person once (he didn’t show me his genitals so I considered him lovely). He was from Norway; my age, blond haired and a beautiful smile. His name was full of “j” and “b”, I think it was “IngebjØrg”, “Kjellfrid" or maybe “Paul”. Indeed he was very nice. We had been talking for at least 8 or 9 minutes and then he disappeared forever. After this bitter disillusion, I went through a painful heartache. I didn’t go out for one or two years and I didn’t get any date for a long period of time. I could not think of another man. I miss you IngebjØrg. In fact having two children didn’t relieve my pain; don’t trust people who tell you so. And now I don’t understand why these two ugly brats are running through my living-room. 

Anyway. The purpose of Talkoclock is to give your phone number to a stranger who will call you the morning after. 

 
“Hey stranger! How’s stock exchange today? Oh, you don’t give a shit? Me neither indeed, so I’ll just jump out of my golden office's window. See yaaaaa”

I assume that’s a great idea, especially if this startup is willing to expand into the Norwegian market.  But unfortunately, not everyone has the same opinion. Talkoclock won an off-the-record award at startups’ awarding ceremony TechCrunch Disrupt: the most useless startup of the year. I strongly disagree and I’m waiting for the call of this young man:

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy! But here's my number: so call me Davy.
Oh god, did I forget to mention something?


Yes. Talkoclock is dead until further notice. I may interpret their message as:
 
“Hey you! Our silly joke seems to be over, we don’t have money anymore and our parents forced us to leave the house. Furthermore, everybody is slowly realizing that our startup does not make any sense. So we are all moving to Texas to raise roebucks. See yaaaaa”

In short: “too shitty to survive” (also the name of my next book).
 
Talkaclock doesn't exist anymore. I'm happy to avoid her phonecall.

mardi 3 mars 2015

Review of "Project Repat"


Both Karl Lagerfeld and Marc Jacobs used to be fat. Today, they are skinny and considered as genuine geniuses. But people often forget to discuss one of Jacobs’ first assets: his tattoos. Marc has several tattoos:  stars, dogs, a Simpson character and last but not least SpongeBob Squarepants on his right arm.

Here we are.

When I was young (I mean before I got used to drinking with drag queens every Tuesday night), I was obsessed with Sponge Bob. I strongly believed his drama concealed hidden messages. I was infatuated finding some. For instance, Squidward Tentacles NEVER wears pants; moreover he doesn’t have ANY penis. Do you follow me? Yes you do, so congrats you just found a hidden message too. Take another example: Eugene Krabs seems to have a lot of money and power undersea. I just think he’s an illuminati.


My older sister discovered this cute hobby and gave me a Sponge bob t-shirt as a gift. I never could thank her enough. But unfortunately, my breasts were already outrageously big (no kidding: 42DDD since I am 7 so kids at school used to call me “the balloon”). So I was not able to wear it. But I still have this high piece of fashion in my wardrobe.  I admit I absolutely cannot get rid of it. This shirt taking up too much space is my first concern everyday, I can’t help thinking about it all the time. I’m powerless, I can’t solve this conundrum and this makes me feel me like shit. I feel depressed; I want to hang myself with Cheestrings because of this hell of a shirt.


Fortunatly, Project Repat had been hearing my despair and entered into the market. This start up aims at transforming your old t-shirts into a lovely quilt. Are you a weak person? Can’t you throw away your old memories and shirts? Are you a nostalgic kitten-lover bastard? Are you a loser? You didn’t have sex since 2012, am I wrong?  Don’t worry, it's my case too. And Project Repat has been made for people like us. Thanks to these nice guys, you will be able to wrap yourself up in your ex boyfriend’s sweat, just like the old days :)

Order your quilt now.